Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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