the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
this beer tastes like vomit already
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
When are your genitals available?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
