I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
