Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
