Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
