Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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