you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
