Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
where are you?
Hypothermia
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
