Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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