Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
