my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
