Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
