my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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