I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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