Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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