he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
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