I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
