I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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