Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning