It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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