Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm always down for nudity.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
