guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
sarcasm needs its own font
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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