puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
