Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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