Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
