theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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