the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
