No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
