when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
