I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Where did you get a picture of my penis
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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