Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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