id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
