so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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