Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
