Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
