arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It's rum buckets o'clock
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
