1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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