My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
