On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize