I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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