i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
