Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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