be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
