Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
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