Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
