I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You need a sexual gate keeper
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
