Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
