I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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