My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Don't make out with my wife yet
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
