My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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