using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
