Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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