She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
