my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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