she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Is that strawberry winking at me??
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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