why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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