Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
