turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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