That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
