drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
