New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
