I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Randomize
