I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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