why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
